Passion Fruit Presence

Sipping my passion fruit drink, I stood still, surrounded by bustle, karaoke, chattering, smoke, fountains and lights.

For a moment I felt present. The passionfruit seeds crunched between my teeth and I felt calm.

August 4, 2017

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One Hail Mary

Recently I was in the park with my daughter reading in the sun. After some time we got up to leave and walked to the car. When we got there I realized my reading glasses were not in my case, in my bag. I had a sense something was amiss. We walked back to the spot we were laying and searched in the long grass. I didn’t feel very confident that I’d find them.

A man with his four young children were walking nearby and he noticed me searching the ground. He asked me what was wrong and I explained what we were doing. He immediately started to help look. So did his kids.

My daughter said that we were looking in the wrong spot and remembered that we were a little bit away from the area we were scouring.

I moved over toward her and saw my glasses and held them up joyfully! The man said “I’m Catholic and it only took 1 Hail Mary”.
I’m not Catholic but I was very grateful. I smiled and said “there was magic is that Hail Mary”.
I thanked him and kids for helping and for the Hail Mary. I shook their hands. We were all smiling. I said good bye and as my girl and I walked back toward our car, the late afternoon sun felt warm on our backs and seemed to glow even more golden.

April 16, 2017

Waiting Room

My life is a waiting room. It’s where I wait to die.

It’s a room where I wait and do things to pass the time.

In essence it’s always the same stuff.

I sit and look at my phone. I check my Facebook notifications. I don’t really give a shit about those little red circles with those little fucking numbers, but I have to clear them anyway.

I’m OCD that way.

They mean nothing but I have to make them go away.

I stare at my shoes. I got them on sale.

I look at my stomach and tell myself I’m going to run that fat off.

I look around. I’m alone.  There are crappy, dog eared magazines on the table that I don’t want to touch.

I look at my phone again. I check emails. I respond to some. I delete many. It makes me feel tired.

There is a water dispenser but I’m not thirsty. I just stare at it.

The woman behind the counter is a pure bitch. I smile pleasantly at her even though I hate her.

Everyday I smile at people. Everyday I go through the motions. I’m so lovely. I’m so lonely. I smile a lot.

I look at my phone again. I see I have texts. I ignore them. They are mostly from people telling me to do shit.

I need some caffeine.

I think about fucking. Then I think about how I don’t want to fuck anyone.

I think about becoming a nun but then I decide that I’m probably not cut out for that line of work.

I think about God and can’t understand why everyone seems to have one except me.

I think about what my higher power could be. I tell myself I am my higher power. Then I think I’m full of shit.

There is a door to the waiting room and I stare at it.

The clock over the door just ticks away the seconds. Second after second after second after second.

The door is always there and I wait for it to open. It will one day.

I look at my phone again.

My life is a waiting room where I wait to die. Second after second after second.

February 14, 2017

Marriage

Marriage is commitment, forgiveness, effort, struggle, disappointment, understanding, compromise, hope, recovery, building, resilience, respect, goodwill, trust even after trust has been broken, healing, willingness to change, tenacity, growth, adaptation, ethical behavior and love in the true sense of the word.

December 19, 2016

Bring It

september-2012-080When we start out in our careers, I think that we may need to suffer through some insecurity and self doubt, working out our worth, developing our skills and aptitude. Then, after some time with growth and maturity we absolutely have to move beyond the self doubt, embrace who we are and what we have to offer and acknowledge our strengths. We need to use our talents and skills with confidence and take pride in what we accomplish along the way. We need to bring it all to the table with joy. It’s all a waste of time otherwise. We have to be all we can be. Step-up and bring it.

November 25, 2016