His Little Bitch

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WARNING: Strong sexual references and explicit language.

The day after The Event, Jarred had breakfast with his roommates. He went to the gym and planned an afternoon of beer drinking and sports watching on the couch. Shortly after arriving home from his workout, he received a call from the ED. Jarred was invited to dinner with him and some of his donor ‘friends’. This wasn’t what Jarred felt like doing at all, but he never said no to the ED and always followed through on all his requests. Closed door meetings, private lunches, paid training and shockingly rapid promotions and pay increases over four years since graduating sent him a clear message that he was on a bright career path with The Agency. He felt that as long as he played by the ED’s rules, let him and the all-male Board members ogle him, make remarks of a sexual nature about him and basically be an attractive accessory for them, he would continue to do well. He had to do well, he just had to. Jarred was 29. This was his first job out of college. His working class background provided the fuel for his fire. He had to do well.

After the dinner the ED bid his friends goodbye and invited Jarred back to his place for drinks. He said he had business to discuss with him. On arrival at the unremarkable ‘Tuscany villa’ style condo, the ED immediately poured Jarred a Vodka Martini and asked him to make himself comfortable on his beige leather couch. Jarred had been to his place for drinks alone prior to attending events before. Being so inexperienced in the world of work, it never occurred to him that this practice was unprofessional and somewhat inappropriate. Jarred liked the fact that the ED favored him and didn’t think there was anything wrong with socializing with his boss. He was actually empowered by it and secretly gloated over their private chats and cocktails at his condo. Even had he felt uncomfortable about it, he would have gone along with the request because Jarred never said no to the ED. This time it felt just like all the times before. Jarred didn’t question it.

The ED started to talk about his plans to change The Agency. He bragged about how he was going the purge the individuals who were not ‘on board’ with his plan. He explained that he was going to turn the agency into a first class organization that was ‘in synch with the times’. He said that people either ‘embraced’ the changes or they would have to go. Staff was expendable to the ED…except for those that he had a particular, personal use for.

Out of the blue he offered Jarred a line of cocaine. Jarred was a little surprised. He had used coke when he was in college a few times but not since then. He wasn’t a big recreational drug user other than smoking pot with his roommates but didn’t want the ED to think he wasn’t fun to hang out with. The ED cut a line for Jarred neatly on the dark, glass coffee table and handed him a small straw to snort with. Jarred inhaled the line through one nostril and sat up straight. He could feel a tingling and slight burning in his nasal passage and down the back of his throat, followed by a warm feeling that started in his face and traveled down his neck and through his entire body. Jarred shuddered slightly and slowly tilted his head back. Then he felt a rush, euphoria … energy.

The ED snorted a line and then topped their glasses. Jarred had lost count of his drinks and it was straight up vodka that he was downing. The coke had woken him up and sharpened his vision. It sped up his heart rate and sobered him somewhat.

The ED turned his full focus onto Jarred now. His grey eyes were glassy and ablaze with something that made Jarred slightly uneasy. Then he relaxed when the ED told him that he was special, a future leader, a king among men. He said that Jarred was a lion, at the top of the food chain with a natural, personal power to lead and influence people. Jarred was excited to hear all this. He believed the ED.

Yes, he was a lion, a very powerful lion. He stared at the ED’s grey eyes intently while finishing another drink. He felt fully alive. He felt fantastic. Right then he felt something akin to affection for this older man, although things were moving fast and he wasn’t able to think clearly. He decided to just try to not think.

The ED reached for his cell phone and remotely connected to his sound system to play music softly in the background. It was M83’s ‘Midnight City’, a hit from a couple of years ago but one of Jarred’s favorites. The ED poured him another martini and said that Jarred was made for bigger things. Then, in a very sincere tone, started to talk about how much Jarred’s support meant to him. He said that he appreciated that Jarred had his back while he made all the necessary changes to staffing and the physical structure of The Agency. He reminded Jarred about how far he had come in his job and how his efforts had been richly rewarded to date.

He refilled Jarred’s martini glass again. Jarred was finding it harder to focus now. The initial sharpening that occurred with the cocaine was fading a little and the inebriation was taking over. He felt excited though, and restless, like he wanted to move his body. He felt light. Then he noticed he had a very firm hard on and was momentarily distracted by it.

So was the ED. Then he looked at Jarred in the eyes and said that he was like a son to him, that he trusted him and that he was very special. He moved toward Jarred on the couch and placed his trembling lined hand on Jarred’s thigh. Jarred looked at the hand on his thigh. His heart was racing. The ED’s breathing was fast and his hand moved higher landing on the bulge in Jarred’s pants. The ED’s eyes were averted while he told Jarred that he was beautiful beyond compare.

Jarred opened his eyes. He was momentarily disoriented. He must have blacked out. He was lying on the beige couch in the ED’s condo. His fly was undone. He looked at the window and noticed it was dark out. He sat up slowly. He remembered where he was now. He realized he was only out for a short while.

He had the sour taste of cock and corruption in his mouth.

His head felt like it would split open if he moved too quickly. Regret and self-loathing swept over him. He stood up and glanced at his phone that was now in his hand. The time was 3.57 am. Memories of what had just happened flooded in and he felt like he might drown. He was aware of a stickiness in his underpants and mentally recoiled from the picture flashing before his mind’s eye of that white-haired man’s mouth wrapped around his penis, his pubic hairs pushed up against his pink, blotchy face. His muffled groans. He remembered the man’s arm curled around him, kneading the firm flesh of Jarred’s buttocks, his finger buried deep inside him. Jarred felt unwell. He heard sounds coming from one of the rooms down the hall. It sounded like someone was looking for something…and muttering. It was the ED.

Jarred didn’t want to face him. There was a lamp on the side table emitting a soft glow. He felt for his keys in his pockets, tried to ignore the sounds from the other room and quietly headed for the door. He swayed as he tried to walk lightly not making any sound. He hurried out of the building and located his car a little way down the street.

The pre-dawn air was fresh and sweet which only made him feel more stale and unclean.

His head was pounding. He drove home listening to his car engine and the sound of the wheels on the road. He felt jittery and nauseous. He arrived home in 15 minutes and in a daze, entered his apartment quietly, went to his room, stripped and showered. He felt like he could cry but he didn’t. He let the hot water run over his face and made it hot enough to almost scald him. He wanted to wash him away. He soaped himself thoroughly, rinsed, repeated the process and dried himself vigorously. He dressed in fresh underwear and a t-shirt and lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling. His bedside lamp was on and there was some shallow light tentatively entering his room from the emerging dawn outside.

What had just happened? How had he let that happen? He ran the whole scene over in his mind. He felt ice form around his intestines. He felt cold all over his body despite the scalding shower he had just taken. It wasn’t the fact that he had just had sex with a man. This was not the first time and that inherently did not both him. It was something else that troubled him.

At that moment he was gripped by the fact that now he truly was the ED’s little bitch.

He trembled and felt like he might be sick. He was now at the ED’s mercy. He would die if anyone ever found out what happened. It would be beyond humiliating and would prove them all right, all the staff in the Agency that viewed him as nothing more than a pretty boy whore that used his sex appeal to rise in his career. A “straight” boy that flirted with the Board and the ED to get what he wanted.

Then his heart skipped a beat. He held his breath and his mind opened up with all the fear dissolving, like clouds parting and the sun steaming through. He thought about the lust he saw in those grey eyes, the desperate sucking and groaning emitted by that older man and the efforts that the ED had gone to up to this point to get Jarred’s cock in his mouth. He realized that he wasn’t the ED’s little bitch. He was a fucking lion and he had nothing to fear. He knew the ED would want him again and that it wouldn’t be in his favor if anyone found out about it, so his secret was safe. Not only that, he felt a surge of power sweep over him and his dick hardened slightly.

He lay there mulling over it all and felt delirious. Vodka, cocaine, no sleep, sex, inadequate food intake, dehydration, anxiety and euphoria was taking its toll on Jarred. He couldn’t sleep now though, partly due to the coke he had a few hours ago and partly due to the alternating fear and exhilaration he subjected himself to.

Then he thought about Lara. Fuck. Lara can never know. She would be merciless. Then he thought about The Agency and Claire. He knew that Claire already thought that the ED was infatuated with him and was disgusted by it. This would rock her to the core if she ever found out. She can’t know, and he needed her help. He relied on her. He needed time to think. He couldn’t work today. He needed to text Claire and ask her for a favor. He lay there and waited till 8.43 am to text her.

August 10, 2016

Kate

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I stumbled across a documentary on YouTube last night about Kate Bush. It contained a lot of footage of her when she was very young. She was 16 when she recorded her very early tracks and they were blindingly beautiful and unique.

She comes across so sweet and easily friendly and yet her music is some sort of emotional force that finds its way into your cells and settles there. She stirs your imagination and a deep feminine energy inside. She taps into something ancient. She is an enigma to me because she comes across so differently in interviews than how I envision her when I listen to her music.

How many facets of us are there? How much of ourselves remains untapped? What version of us do people see and what version of the people we love do we see? How much is suppressed in us?

How do we manage to be our true authentic selves when so much depends on us not being so?

July 20, 2016

Deeply Australian

Feeling deeply Australian today. Yearning to be back on Australian soil, with that bright light sun on my face and the scent of eucalyptus enveloping me.

The salt air in Manly. Fish and chips on The Corso, and a cold beer at one of the pubs.

I miss the sense of belonging and relative peace.

I miss the rain, the storms and the windy, wild days.

I miss my sister, and my parents and my friends who have stayed true. I miss their easy going ways. Their beautiful laugh lines etched deep by those long days squinting in the sun. I miss their casual affection.

God … I miss it all. I’m sick for home.

July 20, 2016

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